Sign #2 of a Healthy Relationship: Partners Share Their Emotions

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           My last blog posting focused on the first sign of a healthy relationship: partners share each other’s opportunities for growth. This posting will offer some things to think through with the second sign of a healthy relationship: partners share their emotions. Sounds simple, right? Some may think sharing emotions is part of what defines the relationship. While, the concept of sharing emotions may sound simple, I believe there are many challenges couples can be faced with when sharing emotions.

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            In conversations with my couples it is helpful to understand if sharing emotions within the relationship feels familiar or foreign to each of them. One person may come from a family where everything was talked about, while the other person comes from a family where emotions were better left unsaid. This can create an obstacle in the relationship because each person’s expectation on what should or should not be talked about is different. Conflict and resentment can quickly build when one partner approaches the other and is met with dismissal based on silent norms that were somehow determined along the way.

Silent conflict can become a pattern in the relationship where things just are not talked about.

            Because of this, it is important to consider how safe and secure each partner feels within the relationship- safety to share not only the positive but also the negative emotions. Having to expose your emotions can feel vulnerable and scary, but it can be equally as challenging to receive another person’s feelings (especially if it is directed at you). One common problem that often arises in couples’ therapy is when one or both partners are defensive during conversations when the other person is sharing how he or she feels. When sharing how one feels, it may be one saying “you are neglecting me…you never show me you love me…you make me feel…” An attack on the partner versus accountability for one’s emotions tends to be met with defensiveness.

Focusing on how you talk about your emotional experience can be helpful.

Saying, “I am struggling now and feeling neglected and want to talk you about it” creates a safer place to open the conversation.

            Keeping with the theme of safety, it is also helpful to consider when you need to have more of the challenging conversations. For example, a tough conversation I may need to have with my husband is likely going to go better if I wait to talk about whatever it is when I am calm and rested- and not right at the moment I am upset. Often times we are too quick to react on our emotions, which inevitably can create and increase conflict. It is also important to consider about how your partner is feeling at the moment you want to talk. Is your partner watching TV and distracted? Stressed out after work? Tired? Hungry? Mad about something else? If one does not consider how his or her partner is feeling, he or she may engage in conversation with expectations that end up being unmet- or his or her emotions being disregarded.

            If conflict is high in your relationship and you both are feeling unheard, dismissed, or attacked slow down and begin to think about these things shared. During moments of conflict, try to emotionally observe how and when the conflict needs to be resolved. Sharing emotions is one sign of a healthy relationship and just like other parts of a relationship it takes work.

*DiDonato, T.E. (July/August 2015). Article Adjustment Bureau. Psychology Today, 93.

Sign #1 of a Healthy Relationship: Partners Support Each Other’s Opportunities for Growth

             Recently I was reading an article in Psychology Today that identified the “Sure Signs of a Healthy Relationship.”* There were seven key components presented which indicated a healthy relationship. I thought it would not only be helpful but also fun to elaborate on the seven signs to a healthy relationship by doing a seven series blog posting. Each blog post I will present one of the healthy signs of a relationship with additional content that comes to mind from my work with couples. Let’s get this seven series blog post started with the first sign of a healthy relationship: Partners Support Each Other’s Opportunities for Growth.

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When you think about your relationship and you think about the individual goals each person wants to achieve there are two key words that jump out to me here: support and growth.

How are you being supported, but also how are you supporting your partner?

It is always important to define what each of these words mean to each other within the relationship. Support to one person may not equal support to the other, and the same can be considered with growth.

            Let us consider growth first.  What does growth mean to each individual within the relationship? Growth for one partner may mean growth in his or her career, while growth to the other partner could mean growth with diet and exercise. Growth could be individually related, but could also be growth within the relationship. So, when we think about how to support each other’s opportunity for growth it is important to ask and determine how each partner feels as if he or she is meeting his or her individual or relational goals.

            The concept of support is something that comes up frequently in couples’ therapy. Conflict, disconnection, and resentment can be a result of one or both of the partners not feeling as if they are receiving the support they need. First, it is necessary to know what kind of support is needed. Also, what does support look like? For one couple, it may be that support from his or her partner means that the partner is on the same page with him or her with the goals at hand. Maybe the person within the relationship wants to approach his or her individual goals as a team. It could also be that support is financial support, or maybe even moral support. Often times when asking couples how they need to be supported, it is a conversation unsaid and couples struggle to know exactly what it is they are needing from their partner.  

            It is time to ask yourself what specifically support looks like in your relationship. How do I feel supported and how do I need to be supported? How do you ask for the support needed, and then how does one then give it? Answering these questions begins first with having the conversation. 

            A helpful tip I share with couples is for the couple to periodically have conversations about their individual and relational goals. A friend of mine shared how her and her husband huddle up every year or so to ask themselves the following questions:

-     Are we where we want to be as a couple?

-       Is each of us happy with where we are in life? In this relationship? Individually?

-       What are our goals as a couple in the next year, five years, or ten years?

-       Then, what is each of our individual goals within the next year, five years, or ten years?

Problems tend to arise when couples do not engage in these conversations about individual and relational goals.

When goals are not explicit, resentment can build and couples can be left feeling any or all of the following:

-       He/she does not care about what is important to me

-       He/she does not support me in the way I need him/her to

-       This relationship is not what I thought/hoped it would be and my partner is okay with how the relationship has become

It is imperative to begin to have these conversations with your partner. Transitions in life inevitably require check-ins with yourself and with each other to keep the focus on maintaining a healthy relationship.

*DiDonato, T.E. (July/August 2015). Article Adjustment Bureau. Psychology Today, 93. 

The Dance of Anger

When we are angry we tend to want to control the other person and his or her reactions. Then, we become angry when the reactions are not want we want. When we try to control or change another person when we are angry the outcome is that nothing changes, it is more of the same. The dance of anger continues and it is probably a dance you get tired of dancing. So, what needs to change to stop this dance? This is where a little work comes in…

when you find yourself being angry at not feeling heard and angry at how one is reacting to you, consider his or her point of view first versus your own.

This is a challenging shift to make especially once you have gotten comfortable with your own anger dance moves. Pausing first, in an angry moment, and considering if you have considered the other’s point of view is the first step of changing the often exhausting anger dance.
 
Pausing to consider the other person’s point of view slows down the anger dance and slows down angry emotions for your own clearer point of view. You can only change how you respond in conflict, but you cannot change how the other person responds. All you can do is consider his or her point of view just as you want him or her to do for you.

Contact me today. Mandi Roarke

Defining Moments

After attending a conference for Marriage and Family Therapists, one of the sessions I attended was about Therapists being faced with defining moments in an ethical practice. The concept of defining moments has stuck with me since then, and I have began to see how many defining moments every individual has whether it be in his or her relationship, work, or everyday life. 

A DEFINING MOMENT IS DEFINED AS:

a point at which the essential nature or character of a person is revealed or identified. Defining moments can be big or small…

When thinking about our everyday lives, there are several moments we are faced with that could be considered defining moments. But, do we consider them as defining moments? For example, let us say you are in traffic and are abruptly cut off, how do you respond? Is it a defining moment when you decide to scream and road rage at the person who cut you off? Perhaps it is. After all, it is unknown if that same person who cut you off could end up being the same person you sit next to in an important business meeting. You may now have the label of a road rager versus the successful business person you want to appear as.  During this meeting you may be filled with remorse at how you reacted to that situation just moments before the meeting. 

When I think about defining moments, I also think about how many defining moments individuals are faced with in their relationships. When conflict is brewing, how is it handled? When feelings are hurt, how is it communicated? It is natural for many people to want to immediately react with their knee jerk reaction. The knee jerk reaction is deeply embedded and is how we have learned to react with our emotions throughout life.

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The problem with knee jerk reactions is they are often met with increased conflict.

Relationships can be faced with emotional reactivity where the people involved are filled with regret after an argument or conflict. Maybe you are filled with regret for yelling when you were angry, swearing or saying things you did not mean when fighting, or withdrawing from your partner when you knew he or she needed you. These are just a few examples of defining moments. As a partner in a relationship you have the opportunity to define how you want to be in these moments.
 
The first step in defining how you want to be in a relationship is to begin to notice automatic knee jerk reactions. Becoming aware of how you naturally react can be helpful in noticing the many moments you naturally just react versus considerately respond. After becoming aware of the automatic knee jerk reactions, it is important to be curious as to what is triggering the reaction. Maybe you feel threatened, inferior, afraid, or alone and the knee jerk reaction is to protect yourself by becoming defensive. The defining moment can then be for you to communicate how you feel and why in a calm manner versus immediately yelling. Reducing emotional reactivity in a relationship can be one of the most challenging aspects of being in a relationship. I am here to help you learn strategies for effective communication with your partner so your days are filled with more defining moments you are proud of. 

Recovery

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Progress takes time and it does not always appear in ways that are clearly measurable. Recognize your accomplishments daily, whether they be big or small. You are naturally moving forward and the lessons learned along the way will only increase your strength.