Sign #6 of a Healthy Relationship: Partners Express Their Gratitude

You can either read my blog post below or listen to it here. 

            My blog series has covered five out of the seven signs to a healthy relationship thus far. Today’s post shares the sixth sign of a healthy relationship, which is: Partners Express Their Gratitude. This blog post will be short and sweet, because I think the message behind partners expressing their gratitude is short and sweet. And, with Thanksgiving right around the corner, it’s only appropriate is it to think about gratitude!

Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

            When I think about partners expressing gratitude I think about how many opportunities we have daily to express our gratitude to our partners.

You may be feeling grateful, you may notice things to be grateful for with your partner, but do you say it?

Relationships naturally transition from the honeymoon phase to other more complicated stages of the relationship, and I often wonder if things within a relationship just become expected. Do simple things, like the short list you see below, happen without any gratitude shared?

-       nice texts from your partner wishing you a good day

-       phone calls from your partner just to check in

-       you notice your partner unloading the dishwasher (insert any chore/household duty here)

-       you observe your partner helping with the kids- or how he/she naturally parents

-       fun evenings out or fun trips together

-       hard work your partner puts in at their job

-       or just your partner being him/herself           

            What it all boils down to is this: when you feel special, when you feel grateful and thankful for your partner, do you express it to him or her? A simple, “thanks for unloading the dishwasher…[or]… it was nice to hear from you earlier today…[or]…I had a nice time tonight just hanging out with you…” can go a long way for your partner’s happiness and connectedness in the relationship.

            I want to leave you with a quick personal story I experienced last night. My husband and I went to our friend’s house for a dinner party. We shared the evening with people from all walks and ages of life and had a beautiful evening sharing our own personal stories. Our friends who hosted the dinner party shared how they choose to express themselves within their relationship. They began by telling us that the two of them struggled to feel that “I love you” within the relationship was enough. So, instead of only saying “I love you” daily to one another, they ensure each day they say, “I’m grateful for you” to one another.  Their story moved me and I agree that saying, “I love you” sometimes just does not feel enough. “I am grateful for you” encompasses so many more things left unsaid.

            Expressing gratitude within a relationship may be one of the first things unintentionally overlooked, and I am going to challenge you (and myself) to make it a priority within your relationship. Even if there is not one thing you specifically want to share with your partner, use my friends’ tip by saying, “I’m grateful for you” daily.

*DiDonato, T.E. (July/August 2015). Article Adjustment Bureau. Psychology Today, 93. 

Collaborative Learning Experience in Mexico

Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

As a therapist, I am guided by the desire to always challenge myself to learn and grow not only as a professional but also an individual. While my education in graduate school and additional trainings has offered me a solid foundation of knowledge for marriage and family therapy, I left graduate school knowing my learning could not stop there. In fact, my learning as a professional and individual could never stop. If I assumed I know all I needed to ever know for therapy, because of theories learned, I would be doing a disservice to my clients.

The traditional theories I studied about offer me a base of information but there is not one theory that works for every client. The concept of "one size fits all" in the therapeutic world simply does not exist. I believe every day and each moment within the therapeutic space with my clients evolves and changes- with new meanings constantly being created through our conversations. So when I heard about an opportunity to participate in a collaborative learning experience in Mexico named the International Summer Institute (ISI), I was motivated for the professional challenge and the personal experience.

The concept of "one size fits all" in the therapeutic world simply does not exist.

The ISI is an annual collaborative learning experience lead by one of the founders of Collaborative Language Systems, Harlene Anderson, and a training institute for the Collaborative Language Systems theory, Groupo Campos Elíseos. With participants from all over the world, the summer institute is an enriching experience focused on conversation and dialog.

I was unsure what I would gain from the ISI. I knew we would explore the concepts of Collaborative Therapy, but I did not envision actually feeling the transformative effects of being a part of these conversations and dialogical spaces.

Family Therapy in Austin, TX

For almost a week I collaborated with people through language and translation. Several conversational partners did not speak English yet I still felt connected to these individuals based on our ability to communicate nonverbally and to work through translation. Friends I made in my conversational group were from Taiwan, Brazil, Canada, the United States, and Columbia. The stories of their experiences in their respective cultures and countries, in comparison to my own, left me creating new meaning in my own experience- professionally and personally.

Our conversations allow us to create new meanings, which then can create change in their lives.

The standard means for communication at the ISI is through constant translation. The translators would translate everything that was said in English to Spanish, and vice versa. It was interesting how translation slowed the conversation down, and because of this I individually experienced a greater understanding of the words being shared. I tend to be a fast paced individual, with words and thought, and the translation signified a lesson for me- to slow down. When I think about slowing down, I think about how this transfers into the therapy room for continued focus. Slow down to really listen. Slow down to really seek understanding. Slow down to really be curious about my clients' experience and not assume their experience is the same as another's. Being thoughtful about slowing down ensures I am not asserting myself as the expert in my clients' lives; rather I am a shared learner in their experience. Our conversations allow us to create new meanings, which then can create change in their lives.

One of the main collaborative therapy demonstrations at the ISI was called "a conversation in the middle of the room" with Harlene as the therapist. I was given the opportunity to participate in this conversation, and without much internal debate, I volunteered. I shared the conversational space with two other women and our translator. The three women (myself included) were sharing our own personal presenting problems with Harlene. During our conversation, it quickly escaped me that I was sharing some emotional personal details in front of a roomful of 80 people. It escaped me because of the pace of our conversation and the genuine curiosity from Harlene. She wanted to know me, she wanted to understand me, and she was not just seeking information to then prescribe a quick solution. Also, the other women's experiences impacted my own as I heard the two of them communicate their own struggles. The conversation alone allowed me to process my own experience in a new way and I left the "conversation in the middle of the room" feeling less anxious and clearer about my own dilemma.

In the therapeutic space my clients and I share, I will take lessons learned and reinforced from the ISI to continue to build my confidence in my approach to therapy. I want my clients to know how this collaborative experience will help me help them. Day by day, I am here to work towards understanding my clients' individual and relational experience. I am here to be present and a part of my clients' life altering conversations. I am always learning about my clients and I will continue to focus on being genuinely curious. This curiosity will help my clients and I engage in conversations that will continue to create new meaning in their lives and relationships. My greatest ambition is to continue to recognize how my clients are the experts in their lives and my role is to help their voices shine through.

For more information about Harlene Anderson and the International Summer Institute click here. 

Sign #5 of a Healthy Relationship: Partners Practice Self-Compassion

You can choose to read or listen to my blog post. Click here to listen. 

            The seven series blog postings on the Seven Signs of a Healthy Relationship continues to truck along this week with the fifth sign of a healthy relationship. This sign of a healthy relationship really hits home for me, as it is something I am constantly working on as an individual and as a partner in my own relationship. The fifth sign is: partners practice self-compassion. I think it only makes sense to add to this sign and say partners not only practice self-compassion, but also relational compassion.

            When I think of self-compassion it is necessary to answer this question: are you kind to yourself first- or critical to yourself first? Begin to consider how the answer to this question then translates into your relationship. Are you kind to your relationship first- or critical first, then kind next? If you find you are critical first, there is an opportunity to focus on self-compassion and relational compassion.

Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

             The times I have felt as if my relationship was most challenged have been when I have been most challenged myself.

Think of yourself in this scenario: when you are not feeling positive towards yourself there tends to be a general negative view transferred to other parts of your life as well. Things around you in your environment are naturally more criticized and negatively viewed. What is typically the closest to you in your environment? Your relationship will likely be closest to you and take the critical hit. The natural train of thought can become: I need to change this in myself…my relationship needs to change this…everything around me needs changing!

            Your self worth and relational worth can begin to be negatively impacted due to the lack of self-compassion. Patterns can emerge individually and relationally where criticism is the norm and self-compassion is a challenging afterthought. It can be helpful to become curious and ask where the criticism is coming from. For example, maybe you have navigated through life as a perfectionist where expectations for yourself are high, so high the pressures of meeting them create stress. This stress may then create criticism. This could be an expectation you learned from your family, from your friends, or from your overall experience through school or work. It is never too late to begin to challenge any ingrained way of how you view and perceive yourself. Challenging your initial critical view can begin by considering the following:

Come from a place of compassion versus criticism.

 

Self criticism- “I’m a failure, I am not good enough, I am falling short…”

Self- Compassion- “I am working towards something, I am good enough, and good enough is enough...”

Relational Criticism- “He/she is not meeting my needs and will not ever be able to, this person will always fall short…”

Relational Compassion: “He/she is trying to meet my needs and is doing his/her best, he/she is putting forth effort which is worth acknowledging…”

            This approach may sound simple when first considered, but you may be surprised how often you can catch yourself criticizing yourself or your partner first before being compassionate. Replacing criticism with compassion can create a healthy pattern for yourself and your relationship. Your individual experience and relational experience is not always easy and being compassionate of these difficulties that are naturally experienced can go a long way.

*DiDonato, T.E. (July/August 2015). Article Adjustment Bureau. Psychology Today, 93.

Sign #4 of a Healthy Relationship: Couples See the Positives to Commitment

 You can read or listen to my blog post. Listen to my blog my clicking here 

          This blog series, Seven Signs of a Healthy Relationship, has shared three signs of a healthy relationship thus far, and today the fourth sign will be introduced. The first three signs are: partners support each other’s opportunities for growth, partners share their emotions, and partners pay less attention to attractive others. The fourth sign of a healthy relationship is: couples see the positives to commitment versus the negatives. Whenever I read this sign of a healthy relationship I immediately was taken back to a dinner some friends from work and I shared with our friend a week or so before her wedding. Our server at the restaurant asked us what we were all celebrating, and we excitedly shared our friend was getting married! The server rolled his eyes and responded, “Well, you might as well kiss your happiness goodbye now because your happiness is about to be over!” He went on to complain how terrible commitment was and how it was better to live life single. I think this experience has been a baseline for how I choose to view commitment in a positive light versus a negative.

Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

            If you are faced with being consumed with the negatives of commitment in a relationship, it is helpful to start asking yourself what the positives could be with being committed. For me, I see my husband as a permanent best friend, my family I chose, my forever travel buddy, my household partner and I could keep listing more. It can be beneficial to your relationship to focus on what you get from the commitment versus what you are losing. With that being said, there can be common real fears to commitment people experience, like:

-       lack of independence

-       feeling smothered

-       losing a sense of self

-       losing free individual time

-       disconnection from friends

            All of the perceived negatives of commitment can be negotiated within the relationship.

One of the things that is beautiful about two people being in a relationship is they have the power to make the relationship how they want it to be.

It is important to discuss each others expectations, determine how realistic the expectations are for one another, and see how each person can work towards meeting his or her partner’s needs.

            When considering this topic, a plug for pre-marital counseling is a must. In pre-marital counseling we first discuss the strength of your (already) committed relationship, then we identify any fears you may experience and discuss how to negotiate how you want your relationship to be today and also in the future. Exposing expectations in the relationship is crucial. It may sound unnecessary at first thought to discuss expectations around sex, money, household roles, family time, friend time and free time. However, in the long run these are some of the issues people face with commitment that can create a divide in a relationship if not discussed.

            It is hard to count how many conversations I have had with people who have said, “they have issues with commitment” and that is the reason for the relationship ending. Because of these conversations, I am sure we have all experienced; commitment can get a bad rap. We have the opportunity to focus on what it is we receive from commitment, versus what we are losing to foster a healthy relationship.

*DiDonato, T.E. (July/August 2015). Article Adjustment Bureau. Psychology Today, 93. 

Sign #3 of a Healthy Relationship: Partners Pay Less Attention to Attractive Others

You can read or listen to my blog post. Listen to my blog my clicking here. 

Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

            The first two signs of a healthy relationship are: partners support each other’s opportunities for growth and partners share their emotions. The third sign is partners pay less attention to attractive others. Relationships and keeping the attraction alive within the relationship can take energy and continued focus- especially in long term relationships. With this sign of a healthy relationship, my mind continued to go back to considering the amount of energy one invests into his or her relationship versus out of it.

            In the beginning stage of relationships, the honeymoon phase, attraction within the relationship is what brings each person together. The relationship is shiny and new- and so is the other person. As time goes on, relationships naturally transition away from the honeymoon phase into more of a power struggle phase where the attractive partner first appears to have flaws. These flaws can create conflict and conflict can create disconnection. When disconnection rises, the thought “the grass is greener on the other side” can pop into one’s mind. One may ask, where did all the attraction go? The attraction was so great in the beginning and now it may feel as if it is fading (or has faded) away. The thought “the grass is greener on the other side” reminds me of a quote I heard once, “the grass is greener where you water it.”

            So how does this translate into a relationship? I think when things get tough (attraction fades/conflict builds) partners can begin to look outside of their relationship to get their needs met. It may be that they begin to notice other people and start wondering if the grass is greener with this attractive other. Attractive others may remind the person of what he or she first had in the relationship and now it feels as if it is missing. If you catch yourself paying attention to attractive others, I think it is important to consider if you are putting the amount of energy into your relationship. Essentially...

Are you watering the grass of your relationship?

            If your needs are not being met, it is helpful to start evaluating where your energy is going- into the relationship or out. A common struggle for couples is when their needs are not being met sexually. Partners may start putting more of their energy into others around them (grass is greener on the other side) versus communicating the issue with their partner. Maybe the spark has faded from the beginning of the relationship, but how do you work to reignite it? There may be changes that have to occur for this to happen- big and/or small.

            If couples are feeling disconnected or withdrawn from one another and are starting to think the grass may be greener on the other side, I like to share a tip I happened upon many years ago. This tip can help put the energy back into the relationship versus on attractive others. I’ll title this technique the “Seven Things I Love About You” technique. Each partner will write down seven qualities about his or her partner they love. Each day they will focus on one of the qualities, then the next day another quality. For example, with my husband I may have Monday be the day I focus on his silliness. Then on Tuesday, I will focus on his intellectual side, and so on and so forth through the rest of the week. As the day goes on I will look for these positive qualities about him, and as I like to say- you will often find what you are looking for. If you are looking for something positive, you will find it. If you are looking for something negative, you will find it. Putting the energy into your relationship will help you find the positive qualities that made you fall in love with your partner in the first place. 

*DiDonato, T.E. (July/August 2015). Article Adjustment Bureau. Psychology Today, 93.